She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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