Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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