i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize