oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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