So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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