She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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