I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
