at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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