I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
