I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
