Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
