Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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