dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
