You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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