you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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