her vagine was all disorganized.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
