Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
