He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
