I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
