You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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