Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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