Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
