Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize