you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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