I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize