so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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