In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
