Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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