I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
