My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
