So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
