also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Randomize
