Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
