I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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