You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
