we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
