It was confusing and full of hummus
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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