It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
