i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
