I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
