he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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