So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
