I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
