you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
