just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
