Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
