Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
