Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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