I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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