Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She even gives head with a lisp.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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