Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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