I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
