why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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