I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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