Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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