Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize