I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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