just survived the first fart of the relationship.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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