I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
