Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
