all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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