Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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